Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Failure

I've been thinking alot about this these days. Gene once came to Lithia and gave us a series of messages entitled "Wonderful Things to Fail At." We generally associate failure with loss, sadness, disappointment, poverty, lack of direction. I'm choosing to look at it differently.

I'll take Kiplings point of view:

"If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just alike.." (from If)

If I'm failing, it means I'm trying something. I'm headed in a direction. I'm aiming for something that has the chance of success. But it's not so much the goal that matters, its the living. I want to live life as a failure. Someone who had an AIM, and even if they didn't reach it, they wasted their life trying.

Understand, this is all in my head. This is all a THEORY.

Because I got a verbal warning at work last week and have felt like a no-good, sucky, worthless nurse who second guesses herself ever since. (It wasn't a mistake of action, it was a mistake of saying something stupid in the office.) I judge myself very harshly. In my view I totally failed. It's not acceptable. I think "I should just resign. I'm terrible at this." This thought has been pressing on my emotions all week, the pit of despair ("don't even think about trying to escape") looming in my waking moments. The grey shade of depression closing over my window of happiness. The panic baiting my breathing into a rapid pace. The memory of darkness coming to the forefront of my thoughts.

It's only a memory, Sarah. It isn't today. It's not what you're feeling now, it's how you felt then. It's just a memory.

At the same time, I have this Failure Theory reverberating in my semi-conciousness.

Did I ever connect the two? Heck no!

Not, that is, until tonight, when I sat with a group of sisters in the Lord who reminded me that nothing can seperate me from Him. Not the good I do, not the bad I do, not anything I do. So this failure of last week, is indeed the failure of my theory, and I can find Him in it. I can!!! They bust up the theory with their reality sticks, and make it a TRUTH. Whether I succeed or I fail, I am IN HIM. I am on a Purpose Road.

Bonnie told this story tonight:
She and her husband were on a six lane road, and it was really crowded, but there were people who were going slowly on the road, and it was very frustrating to him, so he slammed his hand on the steering wheel and said "Don't these people know that this is a purpose road? That people who are driving on this road have somewhere they need to get to, and something they need to do? Why are they trying to slow everyone down?"

Well, we all just gasped. You can bet you will hear that phrase round here for a while to come.

We are on a Purpose Road. Whether we succeed or fail (to normal standards) we are driving toward the Purpose. It is a wonderful thing to fail at.

20 comments:

Gina said...

Don't look back, you're on the Purpose Road. It's straight ahead with your heavy load.
He's in control.
He's on your side.
Safe in Him.
You can abide...
...purposefully.

Lu said...

Oh, my goodness, Sarah!! It all makes sense, doesn't it when you think about failure as a POSITIVE thing! Have mercy. And I just can not get over the Purpose Road. That just says it all and it makes me even more confident about trying out what we have been chatting about.

Colleen said...

you are not a no-good, sucky, worthless nurse. you have a gift sarah...you are a healer, and a nurturer. you are a good nurse. stop second guessing yourself and just keep swimming, just keep swimming.....

Jada's Gigi said...

Wow! Awesome picture of our lives in Him. Yes, we are on that road, He is our purpose, our goal and all things, success or failure, good or bad, lead to Him!

Way to go Gina with that poem!

erika said...

see Sarah....
i write about crap...
and you go and write THIS!
wow...
this was amazing..
and you're right we should look at failure as having tried, and make it a positive...
make it have purpose...
loved this.
xe

Jen said...

I love your posts. I do. I love Purpose Road. What a fantastic phrase. I loev your layout. Very cool. And I love you...for inspiring me, for making me think.

April said...

gosh i LOVE you and your awesometastic blog! you are an amazing woman...with amazing talents. *mad skills* as napoleon would say.
and a fallout boy-based layout?!? you know im digging the crap outta that.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Anja said...

I love your insights. I think I need to get on a Purpose Road. You are on it, sister, and don't let a setback convince you otherwise!

Annette said...

You, my Sister, are one wonderfully Glorious portion of this Body!!!
I never want to be without your presence in my life. You are a great Sister (eternal) and your display of Jesus Christ is more evident than you will ever see in this world...but everyone else sees it for you. Thank you for hearing Truth. That is a wonderful gift to the rest of us.
I love you Sister Dear,
Annette

missy said...

I'd be willing to bet that there are few who know you as well as I do...and usually, the people who are the closest to you, are the most aware of your faults...but you my dear, are a treasure, and the more is known about you, the more precious you become.

Virginia said...

Man, what a cool perspective! God is totally using that in my life right now- you verbalized it much, much better than I ever could.

((hugs)) about the work thing. I hate stuff like that.

Lovely layout, btw. :)

trent@ gracehead.com said...

I love failure! Failure is under-rated!

There are just so many things that you can learn during failure that you can't learn in sucess.

Like: "God loves you no matter what."

(You can't learn that during sucess.)

steph said...

Yea!--------- love the pattern paper choice ;-)
Seriously- it looks awesome Sarah!

Thanks for your blog post...
Steph

Herobill said...

The pit of despair?

"Do try to get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

"And remember, this is for posterity..."

Goody said...

Purpose Road! Oh, yes! I hate it when I feel like a failure or think that I have really fallen short. But, it is in dying that we live and it is his life that springs forth. You are perfect and I LOVE you. Oh, I do hate it that you have suffered!
Your adoring maman

Jocelyn said...

Sarah, right on girl. You're not terrible- I can tell you're an amazing person and you must be an equally awesome nurse. Purpose Road... I love it. I need to get my act in shape. FallOut Boy!! i LOOOVE that! awesome LO. "isn't it messed up how i'm just dying to be him?" xoxo

Ben said...

I am a failure...hallelujah. I would like to say that I never get tired of failing...but then I would be failing to tell the truth. The fact is I do get tired...and but I find a small ray of hope in the jokes that I can get out of my own failures...it just takes a couple of years before I find them funny. This too shall pass...the Lord loves your failures...so keep on failing.

Ben said...

One last comment to try and brighten your day.
A Deep thought:

Some people are like slinkies. They really dont serve any purpose but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Have a great one sister!!!!

Nancy said...

Sarah
I hope you are feeling better about what happened at work. We all have this occur at sometime in our lives! HUGS!

Chris-el-da said...

i'm not optimistic
but i never think of failures as failures
you've said everything i've ever thought about them!
so thank you
as long as i'm failing - i'm trying something

(organic chemistry included...)
chriselda