Monday, May 02, 2005

A Bad Reaction

Why do I let people get to me like that? My eyes are swollen from crying, my throat hurts, my head aches. It's wretched. I'm late to get the kids because I don't want them to see me like this. All over work. It isn't like I'm the president, but it's also not like I'm filing sundry papers in alphabetical order. People, mostly elderly people, are looking to me to keep healthy or recover from illness. I think I give off an "I really do care" vibe. I look into people's eyes and listen to them. I try to do my best. Sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes you just can't make them well. Or happy. I have a great boss, who really understands this, and is trying to help me understand that because some people get sicker, or (God-forbid) complain about services doesn't mean I'm a bad nurse.

But why can't I just get angry, slam things around and drop it? I just cry and fret and cry some more. I really like this job. I can't let these few instances ruin it for me. I feel so stupid for crying, and that makes me cry even harder, which makes me feel stupider! I can't win!

I guess, like all feelings, I could just turn this one over to the Lord, and let it be what it is. I can't change who I am. I can accept this weakness and take it to Him. Instead of hating how I react, I can react, and turn to Him, or better yet, just turn to Him without all that reacting! I guess the point is that whether I respond poorly or excellently, He is fully available. I know how He will respond to me. With absolute and utter love.

Thanks, Lord. I love you, too.

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