Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Full Disclosure

I work full time and my husband works long hours. 

My children are busy with activities. 

I spend a lot of mental energy wondering if they are too busy, or being pushed too hard, or being guided in the right direction. 

I spend emotional energy worrying about them, worrying about my husband, my marriage and my spiritual life.

To sum up,
  I essentially just spend my whole life driving around like a crazy woman and worrying.  

Sometimes we have a long weekend and we find a little time. 

Here's what that looks like in my house: 

Bo sits at his computer and edits edits edits and plots. This weekend it was the demo reel.  And calls me to look and give feedback. 

Emma puts on her dance clothes and dances. This weekend she choreographed to "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone." (I haven't yet asked her why that particular song.) And calls me to look and give feedback. 

This goes on for hours. 

In between my main roles as "feedback giver" and "feeder, laundry doer and grocery shopper," I am trying to find some space to let my own creative monster out to play. If half my posts seem like thoughts that just didn't get followed all the way through, there's a valid reason for that and I apologize in advance. 

But there's something in me that is determined to follow this road that's hard to follow and document the process. There's something in me that wants to hear from women who struggle to do it all and yet be solid, thoughtful, creative christians who speak and write and share and MAKE KNOWN valuable things. 

If I believe that women like that are valuable, then I must have value as well. 

And that is the moment when the whole thing shatters. No, no, no. 
Can't post that. Can't believe that. Too self-centered. Time to go fold the laundry for crying out loud. Don't finish this. Don't think it through. The laundry is important work! 

Yes, the laundry is important. But so is this. I cannot encourage other women to speak out if I am afraid to do so myself. And I want to encourage women to be strong and brave!

And so, frail, tone deaf and quavering though it be, I will add my voice to the women singing a chorus of hallelujahs in the midst of our modern busy lives. 

NOW I will go fold the laundry and try to advise Bo on the purchase of a new (used) lens. 

1 comment:

Pound said...

i hear you! i don't work but that makes me feel like i never get a break, and i wish i could escape from kids and chores to a normal job. like the job would be my fun time. sad. i spend all day washing dishes, doing laundry, picking up dog poo, cooking, feeding dogs and kids, and driving people and going to costco. wait what's my point?